Families and How to Survive Them by John Cleese & Robin Skynner

Author:John Cleese & Robin Skynner [Cleese, John & Skynner, Robin]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Psychology, General, Reference, Self-Help
ISBN: 9781407011035
Google: TGHEkkG6-rUC
Publisher: Random House
Published: 2009-05-04T05:39:50.841000+00:00

Robin Well let's examine it, because I think the difference is crucial, and we lose a lot of understanding by confusing them. Now you pointed out earlier that a person can't 'move on' without leaving something behind. In other words, without suffering a loss. So how do we react to loss? If a lover leaves us, or someone close to us dies, or we lose a job?

John I think there's always a quick flash of pain. But then we often cover that up with anger, feelings of resentment towards people who are 'responsible', to numb the pain, I suspect.

Robin But after a time these feelings die down and we get 'the blues'. We feel sad.

John We feel the real pain.

Robin Which will last for a certain natural time. But then, if we're reasonably healthy, we let ourselves go through that and we get better. We start cheering up and getting over it. We can begin to leave whatever we've lost behind, and to turn our attention to something else.

John And the reason is that we've allowed ourselves to be miserable?

Robin Exactly. Because we've mourned whatever we've lost, we can let go of it and move on.

John But if you don't mourn it fully, you can't let go of it.

Robin That's right. The feeling of loss will hang around indefinitely, and you won't feel really free to move on.

John You said once in talking about healthy families that what you found so surprising when you first discovered the research about them was the ease, the naturalness, with which healthy people remarried if they lost a spouse.

Robin That's right. They mourned very fully and deeply. And because they could allow themselves to go so thoroughly through the process they were able to recover from the loss much more rapidly than most of us. Then they could go on and rebuild their lives again.

John So mourning – really feeling the pain of the loss – is not just natural, it actually accomplishes something.

Robin Yes. We have to allow the old connections to come apart before we can reorganise ourselves to fit the new situation. Like dismantling a house before rebuilding it. And that's what I mean by 'sadness'.

John Yes, I think the idea that sadness was actually useful was probably the most important, and for me the most surprising, single thing that I learnt when I was in your group. Up to then I'd always felt that being sad was a waste of time. As well as very self-indulgent. I'd feel, 'What are you feeling sad for when there are millions starving in India?' Or, 'Why can't I stop feeling sad and go out and enjoy myself?' It always seemed so pointless. But in your group I learned not only that being sad was 'all right', but also that it accomplished something. Which of course helps one to go through it more fully and get rid of it quicker.

Robin And of course people are often immensely relieved to learn that feeling sadness is a completely healthy reaction.

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